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Apparently, I need lessons on becoming an asshole. - Open Knowledge — LiveJournal

Feb. 19th, 2010

02:17 pm - Apparently, I need lessons on becoming an asshole.

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Posted via email from crasch's posterous

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From:radiantsun
Date:February 19th, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC)
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What happened?

I might agree with more assertive and am curious about what you mean by asshole. What is it you would do differently if you were more of an asshole that you aren't doing now?
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From:crasch
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
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A friend observed that I'm too helpful, and too available with women I like. So I suppose I would be less helpful and less available.
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From:radiantsun
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:22 pm (UTC)
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Ok, so that isn't necessarily being an asshole, it sounds like a need to investing time proportional to the amount of time you've know them. Does that make sense?

Additionally, I've found it helps some people to imagine that whatever girl they like is a guy. Would you still do that thing you want to do for her for some guy you've know as long as her?
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From:crasch
Date:February 22nd, 2010 05:52 pm (UTC)
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Agreed, that's a good rule of thumb.
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From:capitalism_yeah
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
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Then those women are not good enough for you, Chris.

I just wish I knew a woman who was/is good enough for you, but that's kind of a tall order. I think she needs to be brainy, a little quirky, cute and outgoing. I'll keep my eyes out.
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From:crasch
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:32 pm (UTC)
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Aw, thanks! Much appreciated.
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From:cjsmith
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
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Then those women are not good enough for you, Chris.

Yes. This.
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From:neurogirl
Date:February 20th, 2010 06:36 am (UTC)
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I ditto this. I don't think asshole would look good on you, Chris, anyway.
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From:radiantsun
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
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I dont' see being less helpful as being an asshole. If you were actively hurtful, I'd see it as being an asshole.
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From:herbaliser
Date:February 20th, 2010 07:42 am (UTC)
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Yeah. Putting forth an attractive-to-women personality does not have to equate to being an asshole.
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From:nasu_dengaku
Date:February 20th, 2010 12:29 am (UTC)
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There are plenty of guys I know who are not assholes who still manage to date smart, cute, and interesting women.

Plus, if you act like an asshole, then you will attract the sort of women who like assholes. Check out attachment types on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults . Assholes tend to be dismissive type, and dismissives attract anxious-preoccupied mates. Anxious-preoccupied women are not fun to date.

Think bad-ass, not asshole. Be awesome.

Your helpfulness is great, but if you bend over backwards to help women, they may see you as over-eager to please, which can come off as desperate. You can be helpful in a more playful way, or just help at a level that matches how well you know them, as radiantsun points out.
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From:capitalism_yeah
Date:February 22nd, 2010 01:00 pm (UTC)
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Crasch isn't creepy or too helpful in any way. He's just kinda charming in a laid-back sorta way. I think he's just picking bad girls.
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From:pixiecup
Date:February 20th, 2010 03:52 am (UTC)
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too helpful? is there such a thing? i suppose it depends on what your helpfulness is borne from. do *you* feel you are too helpful and too available with women you like? would withholding your helpfulness and availability accomplish something positive? would you then be attempting to manipulate someone by holding back? this doesn't sound healthy or kind. are you wishing for a greater return on your helpfulness and availability? if yes, have you told any of the women this?

i think you're pretty great, myself, from waaaay over here. :)

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From:drewkitty
Date:February 19th, 2010 10:33 pm (UTC)
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I charge. :)

There is nothing wrong with being selfish. However, one can be classy about it.

Ultimately there is the realization that it is an utterly selfish act to do things in the service of others. But that's a ways down the road.
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From:phanatic
Date:February 19th, 2010 10:50 pm (UTC)
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My sessions are inexpensive but comprehensive.
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From:lds
Date:February 19th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
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Fuckin' eh it's a crowded market in here. :)
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From:jhogan
Date:February 20th, 2010 12:46 am (UTC)
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Am I the only one who took your comment as a joke? :-)

There's probably some seeds of truth there, in that I'm sure you've studied PUA enough to know that learning more alphaness would probably attract more women. But I'm sure you are also grounded enough to know that alphaness is often correlated with, but certainly not identical to, assholeness.
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From:madbard
Date:February 20th, 2010 01:39 am (UTC)
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Women are generally attracted to what they equate with self-confidence. In some cases, the ends up meaning aggressive, or arrogant personalities. Such connections generally don't turn into lasting relationships, and the women thus lured generally don't end up very happy in the long run. Emulating boors isn't likely to be very fulfilling to you or your prospective partners.

That having been said: just as there is an art to dressing yourself in a manner that puts your best foot forward and gives the right first impression, so there is an art to cultivating mannerisms more correlated to self-confidence. Absent the underlying self-confidence, the resulting apery is likely to provide little more than amusement for onlookers. But a genuinely self-confident person who learns how to stylize his personal presentation in a way that gives a good first impression may, like the snappy dresser, have a wider audience of potential partners.
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From:kittles
Date:February 20th, 2010 04:03 am (UTC)
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This comment brilliantly encapsulates my own views more articulately than I ever could.
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From:madbard
Date:February 20th, 2010 07:59 am (UTC)
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Actually I went into the future and cribbed that off your blog.
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From:crasch
Date:February 22nd, 2010 05:51 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for the note! I agree.
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From:radiantsun
Date:February 22nd, 2010 05:24 am (UTC)
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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8505641.stm
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From:crasch
Date:February 22nd, 2010 05:51 pm (UTC)
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Fascinating! Thanks.
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