crasch (crasch) wrote,
crasch
crasch

Why I’m voting Democrat

cmpriest posted this amusing, if somewhat unfair, skewering of the Republicans:

In the same spirit, here’s my reasons for voting Democrat:

I’m voting Democrat because I think that, except for abortion, women can’t be trusted to make medical decisions about their own bodies.

I’m voting Democrat because I support free speech, unless you want to talk about sexist jokes, unapproved medicines, or unapproved stocks.

I’m voting Democrat because I think our hospitals should be run with the same care and efficiency as the DMV, the Post Office, and the IRS.

I’m voting Democrat because I oppose corporate welfare, unless its farm subsidies to large corporations in early primary states.

I’m voting Democrat because the best way to handle business monopolies is to regulate them with an even bigger monopoly. A monopoly that will kill you if you refuse to pay.

I’m voting Democrat because inner city blacks are too violent to be trusted with guns.

I’m voting Democrat because spending other people’s money makes me feel charitable.

I’m voting Democrat because I think those who oppose stem cell research are anti-scientific religious fanatics. Ban genetically modified corn now!

I’m voting Democrat because I simultaneously think that oil use should be cut back drastically to prevent global warming, and that oil companies should be punished severely for raising oil prices.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that the Bush administration has been 8 years of lies, incompetence, and corruption. But I’m sure if we turn over remaining control of the healthcare system to them, they will do a good job.

I’m voting Democrat because I think selfish, greedy businessmen and lawyers magically become altruistic public servants when elected to office.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that having 1 vote in 80,000,000 will give me more power than being able to keep my money in the first place.

I’m voting Democrat because I think a million voting ignoramuses can make better decisions than I can.

I’m voting Democrat because while I wouldn’t voluntarily give more of _my_ money to the government, I’m happy to take some of _yours_.

I’m voting Democrat because I think it’s a woman’s right to choose, unless she chooses cigarettes, motorcycles without helmets, violent video games, or non-pasteurized milk.

I’m voting Democrat because taxing blacks at a higher rate than every one else would stunt their economic growth. But taxing _everyone_ more will boost the economy.

I’m voting Democrat because I’m too irresponsible to plan for my own retirement.

I’m voting Democrat because I can’t afford my $800,000 house, and I want taxpayers to bail me out.

I’m voting Democrat because I deserve a job for life, even though I’m incompetent.

I’m voting Democrat because getting sick entitles me to take some of your stuff.

I’m voting Democrat because the best way to fight inflation is to print more money.

I’m voting Democrat because bloodletting is the best way to treat patients dying of hemorrhage.

I’m voting Democrat because I can’t be trusted to educate my own children.

I’m voting Democrat because you should only be allowed to to buy products made by teamsters.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to get money out of politics — unless the money comes from trial lawyers, Teamsters, or the RIAA.

I’m voting Democrat because I support legalizing marijuana. We should still lock up those heroin, cocaine, and LSD users though.

I’m voting Democrat because I support a women’s right to choose — unless she chooses to have sex for money.

I’m voting Democrat because it’s better that 100,000 people die from lack of a drug that was never developed than 100 photogenic kids be born with flippers.

I’m voting Democrat because it’s okay to discriminate against brown people, as long as they’re born outside the U.S.

I’m voting Democrat because if the government doesn’t spend your money, you will just burn it. At least that’s my assumption when I do a cost benefit analysis.

I’m voting Democrat because I think the best way to fight an administration trampling my rights is to hold hearings on steroid abuse in Major League Baseball.

Original: craschworks - comments

Tags: politics
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