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May 6th, 2003 - Open Knowledge — LiveJournal

May. 6th, 2003

01:10 pm - Why I look forward to having kids....

If you're not reading juiceboxhero, you should. You can learn handy parenting tips, such as the following:

"When I have a kid, the first thing I'm going to do is to put up hidden cameras everywhere. I'm going to know every single thing the little tyke does. Every night I will review the day's activities with him or her, praising good behavior and criticizing behavior. His or her earliest memories will be of me and my uncanny knowledge of what they've done. He or she will grow up believing that I know everything they do, that my powers of perception aren't limited by time and distance. Once they are old enough for school, I'll take it wireless, and I'll make sure to catch them in all their untruths and misdeeds, and generally lead them to believe that I am Godlike in my omniscience. I think that would be neat."

But why stop there? Implant a tooth phone, plug in a Radio DJ Studio and voila--project the Voice of God anywhere in the house!

* crackle *

* pop *

"Jimmie, step away from the cookie jar."

09:35 pm - Ten Ways To Be A Lover


Ten Ways To Be A Lover

by "Tom Terrell"

I'm dating a woman who writes romance novels.

Don't ask me how it happened. I don't know.

Romance novels are the red-headed step-children of the literary world: too visible to be ignored, too embarrassing to acknowledge as real members of the family. In my defense, I didn't know that Abby wrote romance novels until very recently. Julia, my friend of twenty-eight years, told me the awful truth.

Back in college, my relationship with Julia was my closest personal approach to a tragic romance. She married someone else in the meantime, though, lucky for her, because I'm a lousy husband. (Ask my ex, she'll tell you. In detail.)

After Julia and I met again about a decade ago, she's been an inveterate kibitzer in my love life, such as it's been. I admit I need it. I'm not a particularly subtle man. I can pick up nuances in literature, when things are happening to fictional characters and authors are cutting out all the distractions and telling me what I need to know, but in my own life the most important details of the narrative seem to pass me by.

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11:01 pm - Top Ten Ways My Life Has Changed Since Winning The Nobel Prize

As read by Robert A. Mundell, 1999 Nobel Prize Winner in Economics, on the October, 2002 Late Night with David Letterman.


Top Ten Ways My Life Has Changed Since Winning The Nobel Prize

10. Can end almost any argument by asking, "And did you ever win a Nobel Prize?"

9. Whenever I bring it to Applebee's restaurant, I get a free plate of riblets heading my way

8. When I enter a room, I shout, "Nobel Prize winner in the hizzouse!"

7. At most 7-11s, I can get service even if I choose not to wear shoes or a shirt

6. Instead of saying, "Kiss my ass" to guys who cut me off in traffic, I now say, "Kiss my Nobel Prize-winning ass"

5. I've been banned from casinos in seven states

4. When I call K-Rock to request Aerosmith, they play Aerosmith

3. Any meaningless crap I say, the next day it's in the Wall Street Journal

2. Another Friday, another P. Diddy party

1. In Stockholm, I get more tail than Frank Sinatra

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