December 30th, 2002


Story you won't see in the Ensign

In the Mormon church, it's common for a family to be asked to sing during sacrament meeting. Some families are amazingly talented, with voices of such beauty they bring tears to your eyes.

"Sister Rasch, your daughters have never sung before, have they? We should schedule them."

Now, mind you, my family's singing voices can evoke tears too. They can also etch glass.

We're the anti-Osmonds.

"Thank you very much for the invitation, Sister Pushy [Relief Society President, head of the Mormon women's organization]. But we don't sing very well."

"Oh, I'm sure that they can sing well enough. Let me put you down for next week."

The Mormon church emphasizes the idea of of "callings". When God "calls" you to do something (via the authority of church leadership) it's considered bad form to refuse, even if you think that you're not prepared for the calling. Plus, Mom knew that she would have to face Sister Pushy's nagging, so she reluctantly agreed.

My sisters, as I recall, were 13, 11, and 8 years old respectively. Their reaction to being volunteered to sing in front of the entire ward (a congregation of about 50 - 100 people)?

They were not happy.

But, being the diligent students they were they buckled down to practice...

....two days before they were supposed to sing.

It was a fiasco.

"I am a child of God. And he has sent me here..."

Each of them sang out of step with the others. Their voices cracked and warbled like trio of drunken harpies. They forgot their lines. At one point, I think they were humming.

The Relief Society President sat in her seat on the stand, a rictus smile frozen on her face. Normally at the end of the singing segment, the Relief Society President effuses over the performance "Thank you for that lovely song." My sisters got "Thank you....for that presentation."

Although the experience traumatized both my sisters and the audience, it did have one benefit: no Rasch was asked to sing in Sacrament meeting again.

Shoe Size, Penis Size Not Linked...

....however, preliminary results suggest that men who obsessively update their blogs, quote "...make love like Barry White sings". However, sample sizes of late have been way too small. Additional experimental subjects are encouraged to apply within.

Myth Dispelled: Shoe Size, Penis Size Not Linked

NEW YORK -- A scientific study conducted by two British scientists found no link between a man's shoe size and the size of his penis, according to a report in the British Journal of Urology International. ( British Journal of Urology International 2002;90:586-587. )

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