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Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek - Open Knowledge — LiveJournal

May. 13th, 2003

01:01 am - Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

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Via Happy Fun Pundit:


2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look


Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.


[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2003 10:14 pm (UTC)
What I want to know is, out of all the tech that's constantly breaking, why the artificial gravity thingy and the universal language translator NEVER go out. Every last thing will go to hell, but nobody's ever left floating on the ceiling trying to interpret Klingon into French.
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Date:May 12th, 2003 10:57 pm (UTC)
What bugged me about most of the so-called 'first contact' was, these two races had never, NEVER met - which would usually mean that their language hadnt been entered into the Universal Translator, and yet - bingo! perfect English, every time, even those weirdos from the Theta quadrant that looked like a mixture of Carrottop and a string bean cassarole.
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[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2003 10:28 pm (UTC)

Actually, I remember one instance in ST:TNG where it was pretty clear that Riker was using the holodeck as an elaborate sex toy.

The episode featured a very attractive woman, who was 'designed' to be the perfect mate. She of course enchanted Riker, and got him completely hot and bothered with her sweet talk and light kisses and petting.. But, as she was a 'gift' for some ambassador, he wasn't allowed to have his way with her. So, he reluctantly pushes her away, steps out of the room, visibly horny, sweaty, and with an unmistakable tone in his voice, smacks the wall intercom thing and says "Bridge - this is Riker. If anyone needs me, I'll be on holodeck 2", and marches off like a man with a mission.
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[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2003 11:48 pm (UTC)
And of course, on Deep Space Nine, there is no question that all of Quark's holosuites are used 95% of the type for holographic porn. Indeed, Quark advertises them for precisely that purpose. I think it's only on Federation starships where people pretend to use the Holodeck for other pursuits.
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[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2003 10:49 pm (UTC)
This is the one that really irks me: "A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money." How in the world could anyone ever have developed these powerful starships or any of the other advanced technology, without money? It's not the science or technology that is so unrealistic, it's the economics. I do still very much like the original Star Trek series, but more so for the beautiful women, bright colors and sense of wonder than anything else.

It's too bad that Firefly got canceled; I had been enjoying that show quite a bit.
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[User Picture]
Date:May 13th, 2003 09:55 am (UTC)
Star Trek warped me. Now, whenever I see a beautiful woman, my vision goes all soft-focus. Somewhere, a theremin begins playing.

Yeah, I agree with you about the economics (or lack thereof) of Star Trek. The other thing that really bothered me was the apparent lack of advance in medicine. Sure, Bones had a tricorder and some nifty drugs, but people seemed to be aging and dying at the same rate as they do now. And why was Picard bald? By the time we reach the era of Star Trek in reality, if our descendants are human-looking at all, they will most likely be effectively immortal. And certainly not bald, except for aesthetic reasons.

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[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2003 11:10 pm (UTC)
On No. 3, they forgot to mention those damned neutrino waves/particles. They were forever wreaking havoc on something or other...
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[User Picture]
Date:May 13th, 2003 04:52 am (UTC)

I like #4. Seeing it spoofed in Galaxy Quest was great :) Wearing a red shirt in the original season pretty much meant you weren't going to make it to the end of the episode...
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